Why_Chinese_Mothers_Are_Superior(中国母亲何以更优越)

[1]尽管我们对文化模式化的腔调有反感，但是众多的研究表明中国人和西方人之间在育儿方面有着明显并可以量化的差异。在一项对50位西方式的美国母亲和48位中国移民母亲的研究中，几乎70%的西方母亲或者说"强调学业有成无益于孩子"或"家长需要培养学习是有趣的观点"。相对地，几乎0%的中国母亲有同样的认识。相反，绝大部分的中国母亲说他们相信他们的孩子能成为"最好的"学生，"学业成就反应成功的家教,"并且称如果孩子在学校表现不佳则表明哪里出了问题和家长没能做好自己的工作。其它研究指出中国父母每天花费多于西方家长大约10倍的时间在孩子的学业上。相比之下，西方的孩子更有可能参与体育运动团队。[2]中国式母亲所理解的是在你擅长某事物之前其中是没有乐趣可言的。要达到擅长于某事，你只能付出努力，而孩子从不会自愿地付出努力的，那么这就是为什么能不被他们的喜好所左右变得尤为重要。这经常要求家长们坚持，因为孩子们会反抗；万事开头难，而西方式的父母倾向于在开始时便放弃。然而如果正确地处理，中国式的战略能建立一个良性循环。坚韧不拔地练习，练习，再练习是通往卓越的关键；死记硬背在美国是被低估了。一旦一名孩子开始擅长某些东西 －－ 数学，钢琴，投(棒)球，或者芭蕾－－ 他就会受到夸奖，被羡慕和有满足感。这些则会建立信心和将曾经没趣的活动变得有趣儿。进一步地会让家长更容易地要求孩子付出更多的努力。[3]中国家长能做些西方家长所不能的事情。我小时候，有一次 －－也许不止一次地－－我对我母亲表现得十分的不尊重，我父亲用福建话气愤地叫我"垃圾"。那做法很起作用。我感觉很可怕，对自己的行为感到惭愧。但那并没有伤害我的自尊或诸如此类的东西。我清楚地知道他有多么地看重我。我实际上没有认为我一无是处或觉得自己"垃圾"。[4]作为一名成年人，有一次我在苏菲亚对我极其不尊重时采取了同样地举动，用英文称她垃圾。我在一个晚餐聚会时提及此事，我立即受到了排斥。一名叫玛希的客人感到如此的不愉快居然失声哭泣，最后不得不提前离开。我的朋友苏珊，也是当天的女主人，则试图在留下的客人中为我恢复名誉。[5]事实上中国父母的确能做些对西方人而言无法想像的事情，即使是些在法律上可行的事情。中国母亲能对她们的女儿说，"胖子－减肥。"相比之下，西方父母不得不小心翼翼地绕开问题，谈论"健康"而缄口不谈"肥胖"。而他们的孩子终于还是得参与饮食紊乱和负面形象。(我曾经听见一位西方父亲向他的成年女儿举杯祝酒时称她为"美丽而又令人难以置信的能干。"事后这名女儿告诉我那话令她觉得自己是垃圾。)[6]中国父母能直言命令他们的孩子把事情做好而西方父母只能让他们的孩子尽力而为。中国父母能说："你真懒惰。你的同学都已经超过你了。"相比之下，西方父母不得不在他们自己对成就的矛盾感情中挣扎，然后再试图劝说自己不要对自己的孩子的成长结果而感到失望。[7]我对中国家长如何能够如此行事而不受束缚进行过长期的深度思考。我认为在中国与西方父母的观念模式之间有三点显著的差异。

[8]首先，我注意到西方父母对孩子的自尊极为忧虑。他们担忧当他们的孩子遭遇失败时感觉是什么样，并不断地试图向孩子们保证他们是如何的优秀，即使是在平庸的考试成绩或演奏会表现面前。换句话说，西方父母关心孩子们的心理。而中国父母则不然。他们假定人的力量，不假定脆弱，而结果是他们的行为也不同。[9]例如，如果一名孩子在一次考试中得了A减，西方父母则更可能是表扬孩子。中国母亲则会在惊恐中气喘吁吁地问出了什么问题。如果这名孩子得了B，一些西方父母仍旧会表扬孩子。也有另一些西方父母会让孩子坐下然后表示不满意，但他们会小心翼翼地不让孩子感到自己无法胜任或缺乏安全，并且他们也不会说孩子"笨"，"无用"或"令人羞耻"。私底下，这些西方父母也许担忧他们的孩子只是没考好而是有能力学好那本课程的，或者是担忧课程安排甚至是整所学校有问题。如果孩子的成绩没有改观，他们也许最终会安排与校长见面对课程的教授方式提出疑议或是质疑授课教师的资质。[10]假设一名中国孩子得了个B－－只是假设因为中国孩子不会有这样的成绩的－－随着一阵尖叫，母亲就会扯乱头发般地爆发了。遭受打击的中国母亲会来几打，也许数以百计的测试练习，然后会和孩子一起一直练到得到A才会罢休。[11]中国父母要求完美的成绩因为他们相信孩子有这样的能力。如果孩子做不到，中国父母便会猜测这是由于孩子不够努力造成的。这也是为什么对付不合格的成绩的办法总是苛责，惩罚，和羞辱这个孩子。中国父母相信他们的孩子足够的强大来承受如此般的羞辱，并从中走出了。(而当中国孩子表现优异时，家长也会在家中大量滥用滋长自我的夸奖之辞。)[12]其次，中国父母相信孩子欠他们一切。有这种想法的原因不是很清楚，但可能源于两者:儒家孝道和这些父母为了孩子做出的诸多牺牲和努力。(中国母亲的确身体力行，竭尽全力地长时间地参与辅导，练习，以及询问并监视他们的孩子。)无论如何，中国孩子必须倾注一生听命于父母和令他们为其骄傲以偿还父母。[13]相比之下，我不认为大多数的西方人持有孩子永远亏欠着父母同样的观点。我的丈夫，杰德，实际上就有着相反的观点。有一次他对我说："孩子没有选择他们的父母，他们甚至没有选择被生下来。是父母强加生命于他们的孩子，因此抚养他们也应该是父母的责任。孩子并不欠父母的任何东西。他们的责任是在他们自己的孩子身上。"这些让我觉得西方父母得到的是一桩糟糕的生意。[14]再次，中国父母相信他们知道什么是对孩子最好的而且因此推翻一切孩子自己的愿望和喜好。这就是为什么中国女儿不能在高中交男朋友，和为什么中国孩子不能参加在外过夜的露营活动。这也是为什么没有中国孩子敢对他们的妈妈讲，"我在学校的戏剧中有个角!我演六号村民。我每天从3点到7点得留在学校排练，而且我周末还要搭车去排练。"只有上帝能帮帮敢这么干的中国孩子。

[15]别理解错了我:并不是说中国父母不关心他们的孩子。恰恰相反。他们能为了孩子放弃一切。这些只是一种完全不同的育儿模式。

[1] Despite our squeamishness about cultural stereotypes, there are tons ofstudies out there showing marked and quantifiable differences betweenChinese and Westerners when it comes to parenting. In one study of 50Western American mothers and 48 Chinese immigrant mothers, almost70% of the Western mothers said either that "stressing academic success isnot good for children" or that "parents need to foster the idea that learningis fun." By contrast, roughly 0% of the Chinese mothers felt the same d, the vast majority of the Chinese mothers said that they believetheir children can be "the best" students, that "academic achievementreflects successful parenting," and that if children did not excel at schoolthen there was "a problem" and parents "were not doing their job." Otherstudies indicate that compared to Western parents, Chinese parents spendapproximately 10 times as long every day drilling academic activities withtheir children. By contrast, Western kids are more likely to participate insports teams.[2] What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you'regood at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on theirown never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override theirpreferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents becausethe child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which iswhere Western parents tend to give up. But if done properly, the Chinesestrategy produces a virtuous circle. Tenacious practice, practice, practice iscrucial for excellence; rote repetition is underrated in America. Once achild starts to excel at something—whether it's math, piano, pitching orballet—he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This buildsconfidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes iteasier for the parent to get the child to work even more.[3] Chinese parents can get away with things that Western parents can' when I was young—maybe more than once—when I was extremelydisrespectful to my mother, my father angrily called me "garbage" in ournative Hokkien dialect. It worked really well. I felt terrible and deeplyashamed of what I had done. But it didn't damage my self-esteem oranything like that. I knew exactly how highly he thought of me. I didn'tactually think I was worthless or feel like a piece of garbage.[4] As an adult, I once did the same thing to Sophia, calling her garbagein English when she acted extremely disrespectfully toward me. When Imentioned that I had done this at a dinner party, I was immediatelyostracized. One guest named Marcy got so upset she broke down in tearsand had to leave early. My friend Susan, the host, tried to rehabilitate mewith the remaining guests.[5]ThefactisthatChineseparentscandothingsthatwouldseemunimaginable—even legally actionable—to Westerners. Chinese motherscansaytotheirdaughters,"Heyfatty—losesomeweight."Bycontrast,Westernparentshavetotiptoearoundtheissue,talkingintermsof"health"andneverevermentioningthef-word,andtheirkidsstillendupintherapyforeatingdisordersandnegativeself-image.(IalsoonceheardaWesternfathertoasthisadultdaughterbycallingher"beautifulandincrediblycompetent."Shelatertoldmethatmadeherfeellikegarbage.)[6]eparentscansay,"You'rclassmatesaregettingaheadofyou."Bycontrast,Westernparentshavetostrugglewiththeirownconflictedfeelingsaboutachievement,andtrytopersuadethemselvesthatthey'renotdisappointedabout how their kids turned out.[7]I'vettherearethreebigdifferencesbetweentheChinese and Western parental mind-sets.

[8]First,I'venoticedthatWesternparentsareextremelyanxiousabouttheirchildren'rryabouthowtheirchildrenwillfeeliftheyfailatsomething,andtheyconstantlytrytoreassuretheirchildrenabouthowgorwords,Westernparentsareconcernedabouttheirchildren'eparentsaren'sumestrength,notfragility,andasaresulttheybehaveverydifferently.[9]Forexample,ifachildcomeshomewithanA-minusonatest,hildcomeshomewithaBonthetest,esternparentswillsittheirchilddownandexpressdisapproval,buttheywillbecarefulnottomaketheirchildfeelinadequateorinsecure,andtheywillnotcalltheirchild"stupid,""worthless"or"adisgrace."Privately,theWesternparentsmayworrythattheirchilddoesnottestwellorhaveaptitudeinthesubjectorthathild'sgradesdonotimprove,theymayeventuallyscheduleameetingwiththeschoolprincipaltochallengethewaythesubjectisbeingtaughtortocallintoquestion the teacher's credentials.[10]IfaChinesechildgetsaB—whichwouldneverhappen—therewouldfirstbeascreaming,astatedChinesemotherwouldthengetdozens,maybehundredsofpracticetestsandworkthroughthemwithherchildforaslongasittakestogetthegrade up to an A.[11]Chineseparenrchilddoesn'tgetthem,theChineseparentassumesit'sbecausethechilddidn''swhythesolutiontosubstandardperformanceisalwaystoexcoriate,neseparentbelievesthattheirchildwillbestrongenoughtotaketheshamingandtoimprovefromit.(AndwhenChinesekidsdoexcel,thereisplentyofego-inflatingparentalpraise lavished in the privacy of the home.)[12]Second,sonforthisisalittleunclear,butit'sprobablyacombinationofConfucianfilialpietyandthefactthattheparentshavesacrificedanddonesomuchfortheirchildren.(Andit'struethatChinesemothersgetinthetrenches,puttinginlonggruelinghourspersonallytutoring,training,interrogatingandspyingontheirkids.)Anyway,theunderstandingisthatChinesechildrenmustspendtheirlivesrepayingtheir parents by obeying them and making them proud.[13]Bycontrast,Idon'tthinkmostWesternersand,Jed,actuallyhastheoppositeview."Childrendon'tchoosetheirparents,"heoncesaidtome."Theydon''sparentswhofoistlifeontheirkids,soit'stheparents'n'utywillbetotheirown kids." This strikes me as a terrible deal for the Western parent.[14]Third,Chineseparentsbelievethattheyknowwhatisbestfortheirchildrenandthereforeoverridealloftheirchildren''swhyChinesedaughterscan'thaveboyfriendsinhighschoolandwhyChinesekidscan''salsowhynoChinesekidwouldeverdaresaytotheirmother,"Igotapartintheschoolplay!I'mVillagerNumberSix.I'llhavetostayafterschoolforrehearsaleverydayfrom3:00to7:00,andI'llalsoneedarideonweekends." God help any Chinese kid who tried that one.

[15]Don'tgetmewrong:It'snotthatChineseparentsdon'uldgiveupanythingfortheirchildren. It's just an entirely different parenting model.