艾伦杜兰大学演讲

Ellen DeGeneres Commencement Speech

at Tulane University

Thank you, President Cowan, Mrs. President Cowen;

distinguished guests, undistinguished guests - you know

who you are, honored faculty and creepy Spanish teacher.

And thank you to all the graduating class of 2009, I realize

most of you are hungover and have splitting headaches and

haven't slept since Fat Tuesday, but you can't graduate

'til I finish, so listen up.

When I was asked to make the commencement speech, I

immediately said yes. Then I went to look up what

commencement meant. Which would have been easy if I had

a dictionary, but most of the books in our house are

Portia's, and they're all written in Australian. So I had

to break the word down myself, to find out the meaning.

Commencement: common, and cement. Common cement. You

commonly see cement on sidewalks. Sidewalks have cracks,

and if you step on a crack, you break your mother's back.

So there's that. But I'm honored that you've asked me here

to speak at your common cement.

I thought that you had to be a famous alumnus - alumini

- aluminum - alumis - you had to graduate from this school.

And I didn't go to college here, and I don't know if

President Cowan knows, I didn't go to any college at all.

Any college. And I'm not saying you wasted your time, or

money, but look at me, I"m a huge celebrity.

Although I did graduate from the school of hard knocks,

our mascot was the knockers. I spent a lot of time here

growing up. My mom worked at (?) and I would go there every

time I needed to steal something out of her purse. But why

am I here today? Clearly not to steal, you're too far away

and I'd never get away with it.

I'm here because of you. Because I can't think of a more

tenacious, more courageous graduating class. I mean, look

at you all, wearing your robes. Usually when you're wearing

a robe at 10 in the morning, it means you've given up. I'm

here because I love New Orleans. I was born and raised here,

I spent my formative years here, and like you, while I was

living here I only did laundry six times. When I finished

school, I was completely lost. And by school, I mean middle

school, but I went ahead and finished high school anyway.

And I - I really, I had no ambition, I didn't know what

I wanted to do. I did everything from - I shucked oysters,

I was a hostess, I was a bartender, I was a waitress, I

painted houses, I sold vaccuum cleaners, I had no idea.

And I thought I'd just finally settle in some job, and I

would make enough money to pay my rent, maybe have basic

cable, maybe not, I didn't really have a plan, my point

is that, by the time I was your age, I really thought I

knew who I was, but I had no idea. Like for example, when

I was your age, I was dating men. So what I'm saying is,

when you're older, most of you will be gay. Anyone writing

this stuff down? Parents?

Anyway, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life,

and the way I ended up on this path was from a very tragic

event. I was maybe 19, and my girlfriend at the time was

killed in a car accident. And I passed the accident, and

I didn't know it was her and I kept going, and I found out

shortly after that, it was her. And I was living in a

basement apartment, I had no money, I had no heat, no air,

I had a mattress on the floor and the apartment was infested

with fleas. And I was soul-searching, I was like, why is

she suddenly gone, and there are fleas here? I don't

understand, there must be a purpose, and wouldn't it be

so convenient if we could pick up the phone and call God,

and ask these questions.

And I started writing and what poured out of me was an

imaginary conversation with God, which was one-sided, and

I finished writing it and I looked at it and I said to

myself, and I hadn't even been doing stand-up, ever, there

was no club in town. I said, "I'm gonna do this on the

Tonight Show With Johnny Carson"- at the time he was the

king - "and I'm gonna be the first woman in the history

of the show to be called over to sit down." And several

years later, I was the first woman in the history of the

show, and only woman in the history of the show to sit down,

because of that phone conversation with God that I wrote.

And I started this path of stand-up and it was successful

and it was great, but it was hard, because I was trying

to please everybody and I had this secret that I was

keeping, that I was gay. And I thought if people found out

they wouldn't like me, they wouldn't laugh at me.

Then my career turned into - I got my own sitcom, and that

was very successful, another level of success. And I

thought, what if they find out I'm gay, then they'll never

watch, and this was a long time ago, this was when we just

had white presidents - this was back, many years ago - and

I finally decided that I was living with so much shame,

and so much fear, that I just couldn't live that way

anymore, and I decided to come out and make it creative.

And my character would come out at the same time, and it

wasn't to make a political statement, it wasn't to do

anything other than to free myself up from this heaviness

that I was carrying around, and I just wanted to be honest.

And I thought, "What's the worst that could happen? I can

lose my career". I did. I lost my career. The show was

cancelled after six years, without even telling me, I read

it in the paper. The phone didn't ring for three years.

I had no offers. Nobody wanted to touch me at all. Yet,

I was getting letters from kids that almost committed

suicide, but didn't, because of what I did. And I realised

that I had a purpose. And it wasn't just about me and it

wasn't about celebrity, but I felt like I was being

it was a bad time, I was angry, I was sad, and

then I was offered a talkshow. And the people that offered

me the talkshow tried to sell it. And most stations didn't

want to pick it up. Most people didn't want to buy it

because they thought nobody would watch me.

Really when I look back on it, I wouldn't change a thing.

I mean, it was so important for me to lose everything

because I found out what the most important thing is, is

to be true to yourself. Ultimately, that's what's gotten

me to this place. I don't live in fear, I'm free, I have

no secrets. and I know I'll always be ok, because no matter

what, I know who I am. So In conclusion, when I was younger

I thought success was something different. I thought when

I grow up, I want to be famous. I want to be a star. I want

to be in movies. When I grow up I want to see the world,

drive nice cars, I want to have groupies. To quote the

Pussycat Dolls. How many people thought it was "boobies",

by the way? It's not, it's "groupies".

But my idea of success is different today. And as you grow,

you'll realise the definition of success changes. For many

of you, today, success is being able to hold down 20 shots

of tequila. For me, the most important thing in your life

is to live your life with integrity, and not to give into

peer pressure. to try to be something that you're not. To

live your life as an honest and compassionate person. to

contribute in some way. So to conclude my conclusion:

follow your passion, stay true to yourself. Never follow

anyone else's path, unless you're in the woods and you're

lost and you see a path, and by all means you should follow

that. Don't give advice, it will come back and bite you

in the ass. Don't take anyone's advice. So my advice to

you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.

And I know that a lot of you are concerned about your

future, but there's no need to worry. The economy is

booming, the job market is wide open, the planet is just

fine. It's gonna be great. You've already survived a

hurricane. What else can happen to you? And as I mentioned

before, some of the most devastating things that happen

to you will teach you the most. And now you know the right

questions to ask in your first job interview. Like, "Is

it above sea level?" . So to conclude my conclusion that

I've previously concluded, in the common cement speech,

I guess what I'm trying to say is life is like one big Mardi

Gras. But instead of showing your boobs, show people your

brain, and if they like what they see, you'll have more

beads than you know what to do with. And you'll be drunk,

most of the time. So the Katrina class of 2009, I say

congratulations and if you don't remember a thing I said

today, remember this: you're gonna be ok, dum de dum dum

dum, just dance.